Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
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I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Good morning
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos