I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.