[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
All is fair in drunk and war.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same