Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again