They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
This has made my week.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
She puts the hot in psychotic
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down