Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Oceanography is all about current events
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?