Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
You Might Also Like
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Siri: Retweet me.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried