spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.