Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
That’s incredible! đź‘Ś
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Do you like vampires?
đźź© Nosferatu
âś… Yesferatu
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Anyone want a chair?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.