When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.