cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
every. time.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question