Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK