no regrets
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Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.