I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.