If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
this article brought to you by lions
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭