Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Still my favorite headline of all time:
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.