The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I don’t know what to do
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies