Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
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work smarter, not harder
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?