if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure