I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.