I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
You Might Also Like
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I love the honesty
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.