[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??