Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
X-tra spooky blend
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought