My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
#parenting