Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.