As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
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(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?