I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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Me trying to look natural in photos
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.