I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.