Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
We decided to have money instead of children.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
OMG 🤣🤣
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude