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I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home