[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.