[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Miscakes
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks