Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.