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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
so i’m at the stock market right
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no