*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.