I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Mhm.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.