Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.