Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
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When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Breaking news:
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked