[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
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Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief