Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?