did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese