Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me