ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
repaired
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.