sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
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a lot to unpack here
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Nose
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for