Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
You Might Also Like
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.