A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
We have a winner.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.