[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing