Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
reviewed some movies recently
never forget
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool