[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
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At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
🐕🍷
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY