“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*